Hate Mail Mon Amour

Having placed in my mouth a sufficient amount of a meatball Hot Pocket for three minutes' chewing, I withdrew my powers of sensual perception and retired into the privacy of my mind, contemplating where the hell did the year go? Why, it seems like only yesterday it was January and I was saying, "Man, I wish this year would hurry up and be over!"

As a tradition here at SF Weekly, we (actually I) always have the Infiltrator columnist conclude his (actually my) year-end column with the best of the hate mail collected throughout the past year. Hate mail, I've been told, is a badge of honor ("Your story made me sooooo angry I had to write a letter!"). Throughout the year, we (I again) have received many badges of honor.

Let me stress, by no means is this week's column a weak attempt to recycle old material (mostly written by readers), at which time I (this is me) reply with smarmy I'm-so-big-and-clever responses. Hell no.

And now, without adieu-further-ment, here presented on a platter are my favorite top hate mails of the past year, sent by those who have complete disregard for the spell check feature. (Each of the top hate mail winners of '05 will receive a copy of the book Ernest Shackleton-My Life As an Antarctic Explorer.* *Prizes subject to availability.)

Dear Sir: I was interested in your story about the Amber Frey lecture and most particularly about a woman named Ethel, who "smells like old people." I am very anxious to find out what a woman like Ethel does to smell like old people. ... You seem to have the nose of a bloodhound, particularly for ferreting out old people, so you may have some ideas that you can offer me ....

Sincerely,

An Old Person

Dear Old Person,

In case you need clarifying, old people smell like a cross between Cocoon star Wilford Brimley and ass. Congratulations Old Person, you receive a free copy of Ernest Shackleton-My Life As an Antarctic Explorer (subject to availability)!

Mate, your recent article in sf weekly was probably the most dull piece of journalism I have read in any of the bay area rags to date. And Ive been reading most main page articles especially in the weekly for years. ... You obviously dont have any interest in things of the spirit and so it can be nothing but a slag off session. Why dont you go and slag off a local tupperware party while your at it.

regards

Deano

First of all, Deano, this "slag off session" you speak of involving a local Tupperware party would be intriguing if, of course, the party were comprised entirely of 10,000 manly men who were lovin' the Jesus while a war vet with half his face blown off by a grenade banged the patriotic drum.

As a "mom with glasses" (could that be more belittling?) who finished her book of essays thanks to support from Ivory Madison and the Red Room Writers Studio, I wish Infiltrator had found something worthier of mockery. Some of us need a safe, quiet place to write. If that place is a mansion that offers chocolates, where's the bad?

Loren Rhoads

Excelsior

Well, mom-with-glasses-Loren-Rhoads-of-Excelsior, the answer is yes, we (I) could be far more belittling. Offhand, without having prior knowledge, perhaps your stupid glasses are more worthy of mockery? How did you like that response, funny-four-eyes-who's-hatched-children-from-her-very-womb? Put that in your Ivory-Madison-mansion-chocolate-eating pipe and smoke it.

Yes, congratulations, mom-with-glasses-Loren-Rhoads-of-Excelsior prominence, you receive a free copy of Ernest Shackleton-My Life As an Antarctic Explorer (subject to availability)!

That was pathetic. Okay, a little harsh, but since You can dish it out, I'm thinking you should be able to take it, right? So your ex didn't give you an interview and you ask if she thinks she's Frank-fucking-Sinatra. that begs the question, who do you think you are, Truman-fucking-Capote?

Michelle Thompson

Well, Michelle Thompson, to clarify, the answer is no, I don't think I am Truman-fucking-Capote. I instead think I am Ernest-goddamn-Shackleton, you know, the famed polar explorer who brought all his men to safety when his ship Endurance was trapped in ice. His epic journey from the Weddell Sea to South Georgia remains one of the legendary tales of survival.

Congratulations, Michelle Thompson, you receive a free copy of Ernest Shackleton-My Life As an Antarctic Explorer (subject to availability)!

I believe that anyone who refuses to socialize, either nazi or jew or black or white rich or poor, is an ass hole and should be taken care of, in this times, there is no excuse to be racist in any way. so they should be sent to the moon.

george

mexico distrito federal

OK, I'm just plain confused at this point.

But congratulations, George of mexico-distrito-federal fame. You receive FIVE free copies of Ernest Shackleton-My Life As an Antarctic Explorer (subject to availability) and one free trip to the moon!