Friend's Best Man

Pet Psychic 3: He's a really easygoing dog, so it doesn't embarrass him to wear little sweaters, but he told me he does get hot. Do you dress him up before you take him for a walk?

PP3: [Pause.] He knows that it pleases you, so he's not embarrassed.

I: So I should keep doing that -- like, little hats and big sunglasses and bow ties?

PP3: [Pause.] He's telling me he's fine with it.

I: I'm thinking of entering him in this dog show. Would he be up for that?

PP3: [Pause.] He'd love it. He's very proud. [Pause.] But he said he doesn't know if he can be perfect. He's not that kind of dog. He's very free-spirited.

Why did Harmon chew up my slippers? (During this pet psychic session, I occasionally hold the phone away from me and make barking and yelping noises.)

Pet Psychic 4: I asked him if he chewed up your slippers, and he either doesn't remember it or is in total denial, 'cause it wasn't a big deal for him.

Infiltrator: [Ruff-ruff!] Well, here's the really weird part -- they were slippers given to me by Grandma! [Woof-woof!]

PP4: That's interesting. I'll talk to him about it. I'll tell him he needs to back off. I'll work with him. I often have clients call me two weeks later and say, "Oh my God, I thought it was stupid when you said this to me, but now I get it."

I: [Grrrrr-grrrrr!] GODDAMN IT, HARMON, STOP DOING THAT TO MY LEG!

(Pet Psychic No. 4 recommends some New Age drops you put on your pet's head to "balance out his energy." They cost $17 a bottle. She happens to sell the stuff.)

Why did my dog, Harmon, mess up the carpet and knock over Grandma's vase?

Pet Psychic 5: [Pause.] He's telling me that your feet aren't really grounded on the ground, and you kind of go with the flow. What he's saying is for you to take a bigger stand and do it your way.

Infiltrator: OK, I'm not clear on that at all.

PP5: [Pause.] He wants you to stand up for yourself. Does that makes sense?

I: No!

PP5: [Pause.] Well maybe it's something coming up.

I: Oh. [Grrrrrrr!]

PP5: I asked Harmon about the vase. He said [this pet psychic also assumes a cartoony dog voice], "Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm included, so I'll try and watch out not to do it again." He didn't do it on purpose, and he apologizes for it. [Pause.] It was actually his tail!

I: He doesn't have a tail! [Yelp! Yelp! Yelp!]

PP5: [Pause.] It was more like his hip. [Pause.] What I'm getting is, he was lying near it, and he stood up, and it knocked over. Do you see what I'm saying? It was a total accident, and he apologizes for it.

I: [Ruff! Ruff!]

Did Harmon get lost or run away? What did he think of the "lost dog" posters I put up with his picture on them?

Pet Psychic 6: He didn't consider himself lost. It was a big adventure for him! [Pause.] He didn't notice the posters that you put up, but he thinks that's really, really sweet, and he wants you to know, thanks very much.

Infiltrator: Can you tell me where he went?

PP6: Um ... [Really long pause.] What he is showing me is just cruising around. He was in somebody's house, like an apartment thing.

I: Really?!

PP6: [Pause.] He was in somebody's house or apartment.

I: Did Harmon like those people better than me?

PP6: [Pause.] They were nice enough. But it was just like a big adventure for him.

I: Uh-huh. And Harmon -- you know, my dog -- was in someone else's apartment?

PP6: He was at someone's house for a while; it was like an apartment. He's showing me going up these stairs and a hall.

I: And how long was Harmon there for?

PP6: Only a few days. [Pause.] I just asked him if that's something he's going to do again, and he said [cartoony dog voice], "No, I've kind of got it out of my system for now."

Can you tell me how Harmon and I spend most of our time together and what our favorite activity is?

Pet Psychic 7: Do you guys sit and hang out together? He's showing me a ball about the size of a softball -- big enough to get his mouth around, but not too small. And it's squishy.

Infiltrator: No! Nothing like that at all!

PP7: Can you get him one of those and use it when you go out? [Pause.] Harmon just told me he really likes those.

I: Right. Actually, we never go out. We only watch movies together.

PP7: That's what he's showing me with the ball thing -- it's lying next to you. And I was about to say watching TV, and that's why I said hanging out together.